Marriage and Adulthood

When did you figure out you were grown? There are a lot of people who throw around the phrase “I’m a grown ass woman” or “ I’m a grown ass Man” but that doesn’t mean a person is grown in fact most of the time if you keep saying it over and over then chances are you aren’t. That however is not what I mean. My question is when is the moment or series of moments where it’s like, “Wow I am really grown, I am an adult.” I believe that I am going through one of these moments right now.

You would think that after having to go to school from early morning to early evening while with child your senior year in order to graduate on time. Or having that child and taking care of him while finishing high school and going through a few years of college and work would make an adult out you. Or moving out on your own that should do it right. Well I have done those things. Worked a full time job and all of that. However I never felt as adult as I do right now as I go through the process of planning a wedding.

There is a lot to think about when you say yes to an engagement. Mostly the He has to think about giving up his so called “freedom”, running a household with me, stepping into a ready-made family, helping to provide for that family and taking care of me for I don’t know how long (because of the disabilities.) Now that is a lot to be concerned with however I  have to think about all of that plus planning the wedding, I have to introduce this man to my son as his father figure instead of mommy friend and pray that it’s go over well. I also have to deal with his preconceived notions of what a woman is and how I’m suppose to act, I have to back him up, and show him how to treat and relate to me.  Needless to say we have work to do.

Then when I started to realize that once I do this there is no going back to non-adulthood I started to tread a little more slowly like I was walking on thin ice. I started to move a little more slowly. Then in true God fashion He speeds everything up (because everything runs on his time not ours.) So I went from planning something in one year to planning something in one month. Don’t worry we are getting pre-martial classes before and I try to talk to lot, so that we communicate better…

Sorry about that back to adulthood… You can’t be married and go running to mommy about everything or at least you aren’t suppose to. People still do but we aren’t talking about them. We are talking about the Hollywood movie fiction books adulthood.  Is that really adulthood? The first piece of advice that people will give you is don’t talk about what is going on in your marriage with family and friends. That you are suppose to leave it between you, your husband, and God. I understand that in theory because if you talk when you are upset that will make your family upset with your husband even after you and him have gotten over whatever the problem was. Then if you talk about how good he is to people you think are friends they might try to take him. I understand that and all but what are you suppose to do when you and your mate as young married couple needs advise from older married couples. As a young person I recognize that my elders are the tree of wisdom and we need nutrients from that tree to learn and grow. So my question is what is a new wife(or soon to be wife) to do? Please leave comments.

A Black Woman Living In Pain

Cry

I have noticed that I have stopped watching the news and I'm a little out of the loop. It really is a shame but i can't watch or read the things that I used to because it scares me I know that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear and I am working on it. However when I hear about something or see something going wrong in the world or shoot it could be on the moon I tend to take it all on put it on my back. I want to help everyone in the universe that needs help. I cry all of the time when I see people or animals being mistreated or in a bad place. There is so much stuff going on in my life with my life that I am crying on my own I do not need extra. Does that make me a bad person because I believe I am just tried and need a break. I have been taking on people’s pain since I was a little kid. Always worrying about what is going on with this and that.

Please comment and let me know how you feel

A black woman living in pain

letters to the brothers

 Dear Brothers ,

Please let me start by saying this is not a put down. Women are just a little tried of being mistreated, mishandled, and misappreciated . When we are trying to have a conversation with you that has to do with our relationship you need to pay attention. Every time we try to tell you what’s going on with us you call it nagging. But we give the silent treatment and we are being a Bitch. We have to understand that you all have to watch your football /basketball/ baseball / hockey whenever you all have to watch to fulfill the fantasy that you all had growing up. However you feel like you all don’t have to listen to any of our feelings or talk to us about anything. Let me be the first to tell you that is B.S.

NOTICE: I’m About To Get Real. If you want a woman, not a girl or regular female, but a woman to not only open up her legs but be juicy for you need to reach her mind and her heart. Why do we as woman have to be the one to give up shit. You mean to tell me that you as a man get to watch all these sports which take up most of your time then with the little time you do give me I can’t talk about my feelings. Who in the hell do you think you are?

If you guys see a big butt and some supple breasts you all are usually ready to go however with women we need just a little bit more. Well actually a lot more we need to feel safe, loved, and looked after. Men you can’t do that without listening at least a little. This is the last thing I going to say.

The more you open up and listen to a woman the more she will open up to you in all ways.

A black woman living in pain

Hardheaded

                Why is it so hard to explain some things to hardheaded people? I have been though this I think I might know what I am talking about, at least a little bit. For instance people act like they don’t believe how much pain I am in on a daily bases.  Do you know how much better the world will be if we just listened to each other? There will be less misunderstandings, less fights, hell even less debt. But no there are just too much stubbornness in the world for that to happen. I know that I am stubborn sometimes but I always remember that I can learn from another person. Shoot I know the smartest man knows he knows nothing at all. It just pisses me off to the highest level of pisstivtity (yes I made up the word) when people don’t listen at all. Don’t they know you can’t grow that way.

Just a little rant!

a black woman living in pain

While the computer was down

9/1/11

Isn’t funny how I want to write every day but because my mind is so jumbled with stuff you can’t even get a whole sentence out. Then as soon as your computer is out repairs for weeks and  you are reduced to pen and pad that’s when you get the writing bug.

                My life has been good lately but with the good must come the bad. I breathing and alive but my health could be better (who’s couldn’t though.) I have a fiancée but we are still trying to figure each other out. Something we have waited all our lives for. It’s just that we are making sure that this is real because I am not trying to get married to get divorced. Don’t get me wrong I love him with my everything but he does have his ways (as I am sure I have mine.) We are planning a wedding and we don’t even have a “beer budget.”  Then my darling son is having a barrel of problems and no none of these problems have anything to do with my relationship.  Awwww… did I take away the easy answer? (Sorry didn’t mean to be mean Just a little on edge.) He is just not in a good place right now. Did I mention that I have had this big writer’s block for like ever. Even my hair is all over my head cause I don’t have the strength to do it myself. I feel so helpless. I am at my heaviest weight I have been at since ever! It’s hard to move because my body is breaking down.

                I feel like I am an old ass woman and I am only 28 years old. I can’t walk a block without needed to stop and sit down. It’s not because of my size. Although a lot of the time I do have to catch my breathe but I believe that is because of the asthma. I can’t walk because It hurts like hell my back starts twisting into this huge ball. The only thing that will stop it is my sitting down and relaxing. I have to cook in the kitchen with a chair. It’s just really mixed up right now.

                Ok this is what I wrote while my computer was out please leave your comments.

Yours with love,

A Black Woman Living In Pain

I Cry

I cry

I can’t believe this place I’m in.

Pressure is coming from all sides

But I have no where to move

I want to cry but I’m afraid to be vulnerable

I feel like I’m coming unglued ripping at the seems

Everyone knows the right thing to do but me

Because apparently everything I do is wrong

Don’t know what to do, which way to turn.

A deer stuck in headlights

I try to be the best person I can be but I fail

The best mother, child, friend, lover, sister

I can see it failing apart in front of my eyes like a sand castle built to close to the edge slowly eroding away.

I cry because it’s painful,

I cry because I’m not free,

I cry because I’m invisible and no one sees me.

No one knows, why can’t they see the demons tormenting me

I know why the cage bird sings and why the free one stays silent.

Constrains don’t have to be made out of metal and steel.

The saddest person could have just pasted you on the street.

The happiest on cell block 9.

So just because of the smile is on my face doesn’t mean it’s in my soul.

And the person wearing the most bling it could feel like coal.

It’s tired trying to be happy when you’re not.

To seem as if you feel great when you are at your worst.

I cry because it’s painful

I cry because I’m not free

I cry because I’m invisible and no one sees me.

Cherlnell ” Cookie” Battles

Son in Crisis

Sometimes when we feel pain it’s not about ourselves even though it hurts like hell. My son suffers from metal, behavior and physical disorders. I feel like a complete failure when it comes to him. I can’t even keep the things for myself straight so sometimes I can forget to give him meds. That’s the worst thing in the world. Then he gets meds for one month and his next appointment is three months from now. I don’t even know how to go about getting more. I call the clinic I don’t know how many times a week trying to get answers to no avail. They just keep telling me that I have to see this doctor in three months. His counselor that I loved who said that he would be available and to try to reach him at anytime. The one who further proved his point by giving me his cell phone number. He seemed to connect with my son and was excited to get to work with him. After two visits and a call in sick I have not been able to get in touch with him which has been at least three weeks. Then I fall more ill than usual and it’s the start of school which he hates.

So of course again two days before his  1^st mental doctor appointment and his 2^nd treatment plan. His mood disorder goes into overdrive and he ends up in the mental hospital one again. I wake up to him calling me and catch myself calling him in the middle of the day . Then tears drown my face and my heart aches because I feel like I placed him there. I know that I can’t chase him when he runs away, I can’t hold him down when he wants to fight not me but himself. So what else can I do? 

Good girl

Good Girl

How long am I suppose to be the good girl?

The one that always gets shitted on.

But keeps the smile on her face just the same.

To be hunted by her tormentor and he’s not even dead.

Speak they ask and she does,

Care they ask and she does,

Pray the ask and she does,

Even though it kills her inside a little every time.

First she was raped and told that she wasn’t.

How could they know they weren’t there?

Then pushed aside for the sake of the children.

Wasn’t she to a child?

She was before that Bastard took that from her too!

Does anyone care about her feelings?

Does anyone give a damn?

Hiding in the corner trying to forget the embarrassment.

But she can never live it down no matter how hard she tries.

Every time she lays with a man it plays in her head

Pain she wants to forget but she doesn’t know how.

It’s compound by the fact that she has to be the good girl yet again.

Comforting, and sympathetic while people speak proudly of what a good man he is…

My chest is bubbling over in anger!

I have forgiven him but not the situation!

Not the Fucked up sexual situations that I ended up in.

Not the hatred that I feel for myself!

Not for the relationships it has ruined!

Not the memories that plague me!

I am tired of holding it all in!

Acting like there is nothing wrong,

When all the while there is.

When do I get to let my pain out,

To let it go without being the bad guy?

It shaped my life you know.

I can never put myself first

Someone always comes before.

And I’m tired!

Tried of being good!

And tired of the abuse!

So I ask again How long am I suppose to be the good girl?

-Cookie

My Paradox

My Paradox

How can you be the victim of a crime and still the one at fault?

How can a secret still be a secret if you tell everyone you know?

How can someone too weak to hold a child carry the burdens of a man?

It’s too confusing to comprehend?

Step into my paradox…

How can I be over something that I think about everyday?

Cry dry tears that stream down my face.

Can’t show to much real emotion,

Might get figured out.

Step into my paradox…

Helping everyone else

To prevent helping my self

It’s a trick no one sees but me

Like children playing hind and go seek

Step into my paradox…

The only place where you can find me

Is in these words I speak my peace

Verbs and nouns brain and soul meet

Around the bend here we go again

Step into my paradox…

I know it’s past time for me to let it go

And I’m trying to everyday

But I’ve got to do it in my way

Travel with me or stay behind

Step into my paradox…

Am I a good girl or am I bad

Feel my feelings happy or sad

A smile on my face doesn’t mean I’m glad

A bout of laugher might mean I’m mad.

Step into my paradox…

A winding road under a rickety bridge

Slippery slope and I have slid.

A bumpy path with a fork in the road

Navigation on Spanish mode

Step into my paradox…

Am I up or am I down

A brand new queen with a broken crown

I want this feeling to go away

I want to leave but I have to stay

Step into my paradox…

I’m getting it out the best way I know how

I’m putting pen to pad writing this thing down

Because I’m not trying to hold on

I want to be free

Breaking out of my paradox…

-Cookie

Blessings

The Lord is blessing me, right now, lord right now!

Am I still hurting? Lord yes! Are some things in my life still worrisome? Of course. Sometimes however you have to look at the things going right in your life, because if you are constantly focused on what’s wrong then you will surely go crazy.

So I would like to take the time out to give thanks to my family; My parents, sisters and brothers, my son, friends, and (not new but different) addition to my life; my man. He is the nicest, sweetest, caring  man that I know. He takes care of me and in turn makes me feel better. I love him so much that sometimes I feel like I am going to burst. One day last week I was going through something really emotional. I couldn’t even talk all I could do was write. He sat there behind me and rubbed my back the whole time. Never said a word just rubbed my back and kissed my shoulder. It was just what I needed and it made me love him even more. I met his family yesterday and they like me which is great because I like them as well.

Ok I am done gushing about him for now. The other thing that I am thankful for is the internet. I know weird right? What I am really trying to say is that the internet has made it so easy for people with common interest and aliments to get together and support each other.  So times you can feel like an island. If you feel that no one understands you. I am glad to have found groups and blogs where I can share and learn from people going through some of the same things that I am going through. If any of you all have Lupus there is a great group on facebook called Lola vs. Lupus. You all should check it out. Well I just wanted to drop a quick note. Hope to read from you guys soon.

Peace

A Black Woman Living in Pain

Could it Be?

Its hard to find love when you are a normal 28-year old healthy person. So just imagine how hard it is for an disabled, ill, 28 year old who walks around with a cane. I always want to know how in the world was I going to find someone who would like me. I knew that it would be really hard because it’s not like I can just go out and party. The club doesn’t have enough chairs for me to be guaranteed one all of the time and if I dance I am most likely going to need a massage. I mean right then, as soon as I leave the dance floor, if I can make it to the dance floor, if I can make it to the club. What happens when I am attempting to dance and my knee gives out or my back cramps up. Right one of two things either the club erupts into laugher or everyone rushes over to help the old woman up off the floor. I just don’t want to be put in that type of situation. Not that I am the clubbing type. However even if I was then you can see where that would go wrong.

So imagine my surprise when me and someone that has been in my life for quite awhile decided that we were going to get together. We reveled to each other feelings that we have for the longest time kept hidden. He knows that I am a lot of work and he wants to help me. There are a lot of people that might think we are moving fast but we know we are just doing what we have to do. I have learned at this young age in life that there if some point where you stop saying what you are and aren’t going to do, you just do it or you don’t.  He is willing to help me where I need it and push me when I need it as well. I am able to be myself around him as well as be people I never thought I could be. He is nothing I ever looked for and everything I ever wanted. With God, him and I working together we will last.

I knew from theory, logic, and having a bit of it in real life, that having someone to help me would lovely. But actually putting it into practice? Breathtaking! I remember in one of my 1^st posts I wrote about how hard it is for me to take a bath or stand long in the shower. One wonderful lady said that I should get my husband or significant other to help me because that’s what they had been doing. When I read that I ended up in tears because it had been so long since I had actually been that type of love and I didn’t know when I would end up back there. Now I have been showed how it feels to have someone to help me up when I can’t move, wash my back when I can’t reach, and hold me when I’m in so much pain that all I can do is cry. I know it’s the beginning but I believe this time it will last. Pray for us.

Happy in Love

A Black Woman Living in Pain

Heartbreak Depletion

I am suffering from the worst kind of heartbreak there is the kind that are made with a pure heart. Heartbreak that is served with no malice only a heavy heart that hates the fact that it had to break your heart in the first place. Heartbreak is so much easier when you dislike the person doing the breaking or the person dislikes you. You can just say they did that to me because they don’t like me or this was their plan all along.

I am not a person that falsely loves even though some people may think that I fall quick. However long it takes me when I fall I fall hard. I am so open to love and have always been. I don’t understand why I can’t get find that compatible, open hearted, loyal love that I long for. Maybe I’m not ready but if that is the case why allow me to love so hard and so much. It’s like getting stabbed again and again. I really am tired of the ins and outs, the ups and downs.

I give my all every time however I always get pieces and percentages. Fractions of the hole they leave in me. They always feel that someone else is more important to spend their time with, someone else to shower with their love. They pull from me and I don’t even think that they know that they deplete me never quite filling me back up even when they try.

So I walk around a shell of a woman trying to keep this heart intact even though it’s bleeding out with no hopes of a transfusion. Hoping that I can keep it together until the right person comes along who will cherish my love and replenish my heart with love of their own. 

Release

I have been told that I breathe too much of my life into these pages. I tell too much. However I bleed through these sentences and the messages are my heartbeat. I would die if I didn’t share myself with you from lack of release. My son is suffering in a hospital because he has a problem releasing what he is feeling. I know he got it honest because I talk about some things that are bothering me but I don’t really release until the words hit this page. The words that I write here heal me as much as I hope they help you. So when you read something here and say to yourself I can’t believe she shared that don’t only think about how that may help someone in that situation but that it’s also therapy for me.

I am suffering from a flare-up right now. If you have not ever experienced a fibro flare up let me open up a window to my pain. My whole body hurts from the top off my head to the bottom of my feet. My skin hurts when air hits it. My normal pain is multiplied by the least three during a flare-up. Meaning if it usually takes me 10 minutes to get up and out of the bed it now takes me a half a n hour.  Add the flare-up to the thing my body is going through because of the changes in the weather. It’s the beginning of spring in Chicago, which means that it can go from jacket to winter coat in one afternoon. My back and knees get to hurting and I can’t even stand for longer than five minutes.  Even when I sit I can’t stay in one position.

I am working on becoming a better organized person. I won’t say that I’m disorganized but I wouldn’t say that I am organized either but I am in the middle working towards it. One of the things that I do to work towards it is I make schedules. I keep a very detail planner with all of my appointments. I also make a schedule dictating what I do on days I am home. One of the things that I have put on the most recent revision of the weekly schedule is mandatory one hour of writing. I am hoping that this will not only let me make more frequent posts to this blog but also allow me to work on my novel. (Once I get it off my old computer.)

I have a lot of work to do in my life, my home, and my heart. I am working on it I swear I am and I am going to continue to work on it at my own pace. Hopefully I know that with help I can make it happen. If you all continue to read and support me and my releases then we will make it through.

Family and Friends

I can’t believe that people are so inconsiderate.

As a young person living with Fibro most people don’t believe or want to believe that I even have the disorder not to mention the other things going on with me health wise. It doesn’t surprise me when people raise their eyebrows or look at me funny when they find out my age. I really almost laughed out loud when the phlebotomist that came to my home looked around me to ask where the person was that she was sticking.

I am used to the strange looks from doctors, nurses, and the like but when it is people that know you that are giving you strange looks. Your family and friends that have known you for years are looking at you or talking to you as if you just got lazy one day and refuse to do anything can really, really, really hurt. I think it’s personally worst for me because I can’t drive. When I say can’t I do mean can’t, not that I can but don’t want to even though I don’t but I really can’t. I was born with a bad right eye over the years it has gotten worst. (I am now legally blind in that eye.) When I was about 15 I was told that I would never get a license because of my eyes.

I have been working since I was 14 years old before I started high school. I thought I would always be able to support myself. I have always loved learning and usually was good at school. So imagine how I felt when I was faced with the fact that I’m not able to work a job or go to school. I was pissed, hurt, sad, and confused. How is it that the body of a very young woman (I was in my early 20’s) was behaving as though it was well past its golden years.

As of late my body has been getting worst and worst. My legs have broken down and the herniated disk in my back cause me so much pain that most days I cannot walk very far or stand for very long. It would seem that because of that reason alone I would not be able to do a lot of in-house or out-house chores.  So you would think that my family and friends would understand that I feel horrible about not being able to do what I want when I want. However most of the time I feel as though my family and friends really think that I am using them to do things that I can do myself.

There is a new grocery store across the street from my house. It is a blocks walk and across a street from my front door. However it is still too far for me to make it there with my body in the condition it’s in. A little while ago I tried to go to the store I made it to the dumpster outside my building and then had to turn around. I felt so defeated especially after I had to call a family member and ask if they could come from where they were to go across the street for me. I’m sad to say that this wasn’t anywhere near the 1^st time that I needed someone to do that.  I mean how crazy does that sound? Me who is suppose to be the oldest, the leader, the young vibrant woman who can conquer the world. How am I going to be all of those things when I am stuck in my house because my body won’t allow me to cross the street? The family member ragged on me. They made me feel so bad that I cried for like a whole day. I mean really, every time I thought about it I bawled. I just couldn’t understand why they couldn’t understand  why it was so hard for me.

Just remember family and friends out there even though we might look normal and put on a good front however we have moments some more than others where our bodies have turned so badly on us that we can barely move. Please be a help and not a hindrance. Love you much!

Heartbreak

Dear Nonchalant, unfeeling, male,

I open up to you trying not to be the average female. We are supposed to be building something great on the foundation of a friendship. How can you be a friend when you don’t give a damn about me? If you did then you wouldn’t hurt me.  You would treat me with respect because you respect me. I thought you liked me because that’s what you told me. Once again I have been duped, hoodwinked, bamboozled! I have no reason for why you would choose me to mess on. What have I ever done to you? Oh I know I was nice to you, open with you, gave myself to you over and over again. I gave you chance after chance because I wanted to make sure that I was being fair with you. While I’m looking out for you who in the hell is looking out for me? Not you! You are looking to partake of me, use me for what you want when you want it. Make me think that you are doing it for me when you couldn’t give a damn about me. Five months later without so much as a date. I’m tired of the games and that’s all you seem to play. I was willing to be there for you through thick and thin but it seems as though your only concern was getting in. I hope you had your fun. I deserve much better, someone who’s not afraid to love, care, and be with me. I am tired of your kind and I’m moving on.

Sincerely Yours,

Cherlnell “I could have been yours” Battles

Chaos

Chaos

My mind is overwhelmed drowning in a sea of confusion, frustration, and despair,

Grasping the sides of the cesspool trying to trying to stay above waste.

No one understands and it’s impossible to explain,

The ins and outs of this corrupt brain.

My soul is heavy. My spirit can’t fly.

All I can bare to do is sit in this dark room and cry.

The room is not dark enough cause I can still see myself.

When I see myself I know that I’m not strong enough and I have failed.

Disappointment sits in my belly and lives there,

Making me sick to my stomach.

I throw up fears and the stench of bile is everywhere.

My body hurts, my arms are tired, and my fingers slip.

I’m falling and go under,

No longer afraid of the result just seeking the rest.

The voices that haunt me grow faint and the quiet calms me.

Peace. Sleep. Gone.

-Cherlnell “Cookie” Battles