Could it Be?

Its hard to find love when you are a normal 28-year old healthy person. So just imagine how hard it is for an disabled, ill, 28 year old who walks around with a cane. I always want to know how in the world was I going to find someone who would like me. I knew that it would be really hard because it’s not like I can just go out and party. The club doesn’t have enough chairs for me to be guaranteed one all of the time and if I dance I am most likely going to need a massage. I mean right then, as soon as I leave the dance floor, if I can make it to the dance floor, if I can make it to the club. What happens when I am attempting to dance and my knee gives out or my back cramps up. Right one of two things either the club erupts into laugher or everyone rushes over to help the old woman up off the floor. I just don’t want to be put in that type of situation. Not that I am the clubbing type. However even if I was then you can see where that would go wrong.

So imagine my surprise when me and someone that has been in my life for quite awhile decided that we were going to get together. We reveled to each other feelings that we have for the longest time kept hidden. He knows that I am a lot of work and he wants to help me. There are a lot of people that might think we are moving fast but we know we are just doing what we have to do. I have learned at this young age in life that there if some point where you stop saying what you are and aren’t going to do, you just do it or you don’t.  He is willing to help me where I need it and push me when I need it as well. I am able to be myself around him as well as be people I never thought I could be. He is nothing I ever looked for and everything I ever wanted. With God, him and I working together we will last.

I knew from theory, logic, and having a bit of it in real life, that having someone to help me would lovely. But actually putting it into practice? Breathtaking! I remember in one of my 1^st posts I wrote about how hard it is for me to take a bath or stand long in the shower. One wonderful lady said that I should get my husband or significant other to help me because that’s what they had been doing. When I read that I ended up in tears because it had been so long since I had actually been that type of love and I didn’t know when I would end up back there. Now I have been showed how it feels to have someone to help me up when I can’t move, wash my back when I can’t reach, and hold me when I’m in so much pain that all I can do is cry. I know it’s the beginning but I believe this time it will last. Pray for us.

Happy in Love

A Black Woman Living in Pain

Heartbreak Depletion

I am suffering from the worst kind of heartbreak there is the kind that are made with a pure heart. Heartbreak that is served with no malice only a heavy heart that hates the fact that it had to break your heart in the first place. Heartbreak is so much easier when you dislike the person doing the breaking or the person dislikes you. You can just say they did that to me because they don’t like me or this was their plan all along.

I am not a person that falsely loves even though some people may think that I fall quick. However long it takes me when I fall I fall hard. I am so open to love and have always been. I don’t understand why I can’t get find that compatible, open hearted, loyal love that I long for. Maybe I’m not ready but if that is the case why allow me to love so hard and so much. It’s like getting stabbed again and again. I really am tired of the ins and outs, the ups and downs.

I give my all every time however I always get pieces and percentages. Fractions of the hole they leave in me. They always feel that someone else is more important to spend their time with, someone else to shower with their love. They pull from me and I don’t even think that they know that they deplete me never quite filling me back up even when they try.

So I walk around a shell of a woman trying to keep this heart intact even though it’s bleeding out with no hopes of a transfusion. Hoping that I can keep it together until the right person comes along who will cherish my love and replenish my heart with love of their own.