I Cry

I cry

I can’t believe this place I’m in.

Pressure is coming from all sides

But I have no where to move

I want to cry but I’m afraid to be vulnerable

I feel like I’m coming unglued ripping at the seems

Everyone knows the right thing to do but me

Because apparently everything I do is wrong

Don’t know what to do, which way to turn.

A deer stuck in headlights

I try to be the best person I can be but I fail

The best mother, child, friend, lover, sister

I can see it failing apart in front of my eyes like a sand castle built to close to the edge slowly eroding away.

I cry because it’s painful,

I cry because I’m not free,

I cry because I’m invisible and no one sees me.

No one knows, why can’t they see the demons tormenting me

I know why the cage bird sings and why the free one stays silent.

Constrains don’t have to be made out of metal and steel.

The saddest person could have just pasted you on the street.

The happiest on cell block 9.

So just because of the smile is on my face doesn’t mean it’s in my soul.

And the person wearing the most bling it could feel like coal.

It’s tired trying to be happy when you’re not.

To seem as if you feel great when you are at your worst.

I cry because it’s painful

I cry because I’m not free

I cry because I’m invisible and no one sees me.

Cherlnell ” Cookie” Battles

Son in Crisis

Sometimes when we feel pain it’s not about ourselves even though it hurts like hell. My son suffers from metal, behavior and physical disorders. I feel like a complete failure when it comes to him. I can’t even keep the things for myself straight so sometimes I can forget to give him meds. That’s the worst thing in the world. Then he gets meds for one month and his next appointment is three months from now. I don’t even know how to go about getting more. I call the clinic I don’t know how many times a week trying to get answers to no avail. They just keep telling me that I have to see this doctor in three months. His counselor that I loved who said that he would be available and to try to reach him at anytime. The one who further proved his point by giving me his cell phone number. He seemed to connect with my son and was excited to get to work with him. After two visits and a call in sick I have not been able to get in touch with him which has been at least three weeks. Then I fall more ill than usual and it’s the start of school which he hates.

So of course again two days before his  1^st mental doctor appointment and his 2^nd treatment plan. His mood disorder goes into overdrive and he ends up in the mental hospital one again. I wake up to him calling me and catch myself calling him in the middle of the day . Then tears drown my face and my heart aches because I feel like I placed him there. I know that I can’t chase him when he runs away, I can’t hold him down when he wants to fight not me but himself. So what else can I do?