A child living in pain

I don’t know how many times I have written about this before but the time has come to examine the black woman living in pain vs. the teenager living in pain relationship.

Just to give a little background I have many different ailments including fibromyalgia, arthritis, sleep disorders, mental disorders, and others. My son just six months shy of his 13 birthday is already giving attitude on a 14 year old level. He also has ailments of his own including but not limited to epilepsy, asthma, and mental disorders.

Now that we are all caught up let’s begin. Most people do not understand that it is hard living life when you are sick most of the time. It is even harder to travels life’s road when you have a child. When you have a child living in pain however it is almost impossible to navigate the dangerous trek of the mountain trail of life.

People seem to think that I am always sad in social media or in my writings. When really I just express my real feelings which are usually those that have been suppressed in my writings. People might find this sad oh well it’s how I feel. Lately meaning for the past year every time I get over one sickness something else happens. I still try to push on though. My son has also been dealing with his own issues which as his mother become my issues. Within the last couple of years his mental illnesses have been flaring causing him to need more. I did what any mom would do I got him in with doctors and help at school. I educated myself about what was going on with him.

Now that he is a teenager 5;7, 280lbs, and strong as an ox I worry about whether I will be enough to keep him under control or not. He is such a sweet kid and he has so much love inside him but lately he is just so angry. Defiant he just doesn’t want to do anything that you tell him. He is even being destructive tears up things like he is3. He doesn’t smile much anymore. It stresses me out to no end. Stress does not help me feel any better. Of course there are some days I want to throw in the towel but I know that I can’t do that. I am a mother and I take my job very seriously. So I plan to map out what I need to do like every day with him and myself. I have to revamp the way things are to make things better.

It just hurts my heart to know that there is something stealing his joy. So I will make my mission to return it to him. I just hopes my body works with me. I am not going to lie though it is overwhelming, it is a lot of work, and I am most likely going to need help with it but I just have to get it done. When he disrespects me it makes me feel like the lowest of low. I don’t know if that is why he is doing it or what I have done to make him so mad.

And this is just part of the story.

“Lord I give you thanks for all of the blessings you have given me. I ask that you gave metal the strength and know how to deal with my son so that I can shape him into the great young man he should be.”

Thru love and pain,

Ablackwomanlivinginpain  

Welcome Home I Have Good News

Whoa ... it has been a really long time since I written. I know, I know don’t shoot me I have a lot of good things to catch you up on.

 

The best news that I cannot wait to tell you all is that I am a published author! Yay!!!  My first book is a story told in poetic form with a short story in the middle. If you all could please check it out it is available on amazon.com Confessions of the Other Woman by Cookie Battles. It is only $10 and I think it might be $9 now online. The book is my pride and joy. I am very proud of it and if you all read it I believe you all would be as all.

 

Another good piece of news is that after a year of fussing I am finally divorced. I know it was “so quick” that is only how it felt to people that wasn’t in the marriage. It is better for everyone involved this way. I still love him I always will but do I love him the same way? No. It was a bad break-up I wish we could have remained friends but the way that he treated me made that impossible. So I am back on the market, single and waiting. I have joined a couple of dating sites and I have already gotten my feelings hurt a few times. More blogs to come about that topic.

 

The last piece of good news to share is that I moved. New life, new place, new mind set. I moved into a new apartment away from where I used to live. It is much better than where I used to stay. It is made to help me with my disabilities.  I want to take time to thank God for blessing me with everything he has blessed me with. Without him I am nothing. I am so excited that the blog has started back up! Thank you all for reading.

Venting

This is me venting...

You know people really crack me up. I do believe that I am a pretty decent person. I think if you would talk to people that know me they would tell you that I smile all of the time and I am usually in a good mood. I really try to treat people have I want to be treated. As far as my illnesses go I feel things that sometimes I can't even explain. So I try my best to not down play anyone's pain or troubles. So it really makes me angry when people try to tell me about my body. A lot of times people just give their opinion about things going on with your life and I can understand that because I do it sometimes myself. However when you talk as though you know what is going on in my body, house, or relationships when you have no idea it's a whole other story.

By having fibromyalgia as well as my other aliments I go through different things. I have a very bad sleep pattern. Which means that no matter when I take my night meds or when I start to try to go to sleep I am not going to fall until at least after 1am. So just like any normal person who didn't get any sleep would sleep in the next day so do I. If I didn't have anything to do the next morning I don't see what the problem is. I really think that people that tell other people their pain isn't anything compared to theirs are very rude. I am all about done with people that feel they need to compare their feats with my problems. Case in point, if I am in pain that hurts so bad I am unable to get out of the bed, I really don't even need to be told about all the things you would be able to do if you were in my shoes. I already beat myself up enough without getting beat by you as well. Don't act like you have walked a mile in my shoes when you don't wear my size.

This entry was a really short one you guys but thanks for reading. If any of you all understand what I am going through don't be afraid to comment.

Much love,

A black woman living in pain

Make It or Break It!

I watched her as she moved acrossed the stage. Her hips swaying to the beat as her soulful voice over took the room. She took me to another place not just with her voice but with her very essence. A place where she and I lived happily interwined forever.

I watched her with my eyes, heard her with my ears, and felt her thru my skin all without moving. I didn't want anyone aware of my addiction. Especially my friend sitting right beside me. She would surely be uncomfortable with my truth. Wouldn't she? Now was not the time to bring my feeling to the forefront with her.

I watch my desire leave the stage and know that I had to let her know my feelings before the end of the night. I couldn't step to her ask for her number. That wasn't my style. Couldn't drop some line that is something a lame would do. Plus I had no idea how she would react. I don't know I would cope if she blantaly turned me down. Then the lightblub went over my head.

I interupted my friend in the middle of my story feeling ashamed that I had no idea what she was talking about. I walked to the door to set things up. All the time keeping my eyes on the goddess of my affection at the bar drinking tea.

I sat down back at the table and pulled out my pen and pad. My friend got excited because she loved when I wrote. I became engrossed in the peice. Weaving together nouns and verbs, filling it with adverbs and adjectives. I am making my own music within these stanzas. Working at light speed but carefully because the moment has become make it or break it.

The M.C. hits the stage and gives me a wink I give him a nod. He calls me to the stage I stared her straight in the eye took a deep breath and started my soliloquy. Everyone in the room disappeared as soon as the words dripped from my lips:

"Milk chocolate poured into a curvy case
The grace of a lioness
Ever step oozes sweetness
Can I please get a taste

It's not just your body that entices me
Your mind is fuels my fire
Intelligence makes you shine brighter
I know most people don't look past the outer but trust me baby I see

The true queen that you are 
Your soul speaks beautifully
You communicate it wonderfully
Thru your songs you have raised the bar

No one else can hold a candle to you
I just hope you can understand my feelings
I want to join with your very being
I hope you feel the same way too
Meet me in the back if you do

Thank you"

I shook the M.C.'s hand and left the stage to snaps and applause. When I looked at the bar the beauty was no where to be found. I passed by my friend's table and much to my suprise she gave me a thumbs up. I smile saving that conversation for later. I had a place to go and a special lady to see.

When I got to the booth in the back it was empty. My heart sank and I almost cried. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder, my heart skiped a beat. I turned around and there she was my goddess, my queen. I smiled so wide and she returned the smile which made my heart grow. I grabed her in my arms in a bold move I didn't know I had. Then with my arms around her waist and her arms around my neck we kissed. It was fireworks and bubbles bursting everything I hoped it would be. When we came up for air she said to me, "Damn girl it took you long enough." To which we shared our first laugh of many.

-Cherlnell "Cookie" Battles

We fall down but we get up.

You know how they say that you don't miss something until it's gone? “Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and this house just ain't no home any time she goes away.” Well I felt that way about my computer except I knew that I would miss “her.” I have also missed you all so much. There has been so much that has happen since my last entry. I was married, just married. Now I am just separated, waiting on my divorce. My best friend (My Granny) was alive and well. Since then she has been diagnosed with stage four cancer and has passed away.

To keep it real with you all. I have been having a hard time period, with my life. But I see a light at the end of the tunnel. There are blessing happening in my life and I am ready to take hold of them and spread them all over the world. I am ready to take control of my life to get the best of it. I have been beat down, stepped on, used, and abused by people and life in general but like the song says, “we fall down, but we get up.” Every stumbling block placed in our way helps us learn the path for the next time and eventually we will get to where we need to be.

If you would have asked me on November 12, 2011 if I would have thought I would be separated not even six months later I would have said," hogwash." However here I am wondering when my husband turned and how long had I been covering for him. I sometimes question whether or not I should even be blessed with a lifelong spouse who loves me for me and I can love for them. I was really feeling bad about myself.

I am not where I want to be but I am on the path God has set for me. As long as I keep him in the head of my life things will work out for me. I am ready to get on my grind with this writing thing so if you all like what you have read please leave a comment and let me know.

Much love,

a black woman living in pain

How is it?

How is it?

How is it that you look into my eyes and don't see the pain?
Is it because you've caused it that you fail to see it,
Or is it just that you don't care?

How is it that you can put such trivial things over me?
Is it really because of how you were raised,
Or is it as much of an excuse as it sounds?

How is it that you don't take responsibility for the things you do?
Is it because you don't know better,
Or is it your way of never admitting your wrong?

How is it that you lie to my face without any feelings of guilt?
Is it really because you believe what you say,
Or is it that you have no remorse?

What is the problem? It's you not me.
Your words are deceptions, they're not what they seem to be.
Your actions show how you really feel.

I am tired of giving you the benefit of the doubt
Out of my comfort zone, I don't usually shout.
You are turning me into someone I don't need to be

I have a lot to think about. It makes me want to cry.
This is not how I want it to be .
This might mean a long good bye.

Cherlnell “Cookie” Battles

Invisible Pain

There was a status that came across my page a few days ago. It spoke about how people can't always tell when people are in pain. How people can be in so much pain but have the biggest smile on their face. Or even when they tell you that they are hurting they don't let on how much. Well I am one of those people. I used to just say I'm fine but I am trying to be more open with my feelings. It seems however not to be taking that way. In fact when I tell people anywhere near how I am feeling it feels like I am making them feel bad and I don't like that feeling. So I grin and bare it or at least try to.

I make the mistake of thinking that a lot of people in the world think like me and that's not true. I like to think that especially since other people are in pain that they would understand but they don't always. In fact some people can be down right mean. I am the nicest person but I am starting to become aggravated because being in pain and taking shit from people is nothing nice. There are only so many times that you can think about other people and what they must be going through to make your life a living hell while there is pain racing through your body.

It doesn't help that I am very young, which is another way looks can be deceiving. There is a saying that we (African Americans) say all to much to people younger then us; “You ain't hurting you too young to feel that way.” Even though it has been ingrained inside me since birth I try so hard not to say that to my son or anyone younger than me. I know how it feels to look like you are 20 and feel like you are 85.

Lately I have really been messed. I have been flaring up from the fibro, my legs, feet, and ankles have been swollen everyday. I have had a sore throat for at least two months. There are plenty days were it hurts so much to move my leg across the bed let alone walking. Do you know however how hard it is to convey that feeling to people that have no idea?

I get the feeling that people don't fully believe me when I say that I am in the amount of pain that I am in. What really hurts is that it is people close to me sometimes don't understand. I am constantly holding back tears on an everyday basis. Yet to some all I do is complain. I am trying to live life for me and to do that sometimes you just have to let your pain out. I am used to holding everything in especially my pain. I am trying to find my balance. If you all have any ideas please share them.

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Ablackwomanlivinginpain