How is it?

How is it?

How is it that you look into my eyes and don't see the pain?
Is it because you've caused it that you fail to see it,
Or is it just that you don't care?

How is it that you can put such trivial things over me?
Is it really because of how you were raised,
Or is it as much of an excuse as it sounds?

How is it that you don't take responsibility for the things you do?
Is it because you don't know better,
Or is it your way of never admitting your wrong?

How is it that you lie to my face without any feelings of guilt?
Is it really because you believe what you say,
Or is it that you have no remorse?

What is the problem? It's you not me.
Your words are deceptions, they're not what they seem to be.
Your actions show how you really feel.

I am tired of giving you the benefit of the doubt
Out of my comfort zone, I don't usually shout.
You are turning me into someone I don't need to be

I have a lot to think about. It makes me want to cry.
This is not how I want it to be .
This might mean a long good bye.

Cherlnell “Cookie” Battles

Invisible Pain

There was a status that came across my page a few days ago. It spoke about how people can't always tell when people are in pain. How people can be in so much pain but have the biggest smile on their face. Or even when they tell you that they are hurting they don't let on how much. Well I am one of those people. I used to just say I'm fine but I am trying to be more open with my feelings. It seems however not to be taking that way. In fact when I tell people anywhere near how I am feeling it feels like I am making them feel bad and I don't like that feeling. So I grin and bare it or at least try to.

I make the mistake of thinking that a lot of people in the world think like me and that's not true. I like to think that especially since other people are in pain that they would understand but they don't always. In fact some people can be down right mean. I am the nicest person but I am starting to become aggravated because being in pain and taking shit from people is nothing nice. There are only so many times that you can think about other people and what they must be going through to make your life a living hell while there is pain racing through your body.

It doesn't help that I am very young, which is another way looks can be deceiving. There is a saying that we (African Americans) say all to much to people younger then us; “You ain't hurting you too young to feel that way.” Even though it has been ingrained inside me since birth I try so hard not to say that to my son or anyone younger than me. I know how it feels to look like you are 20 and feel like you are 85.

Lately I have really been messed. I have been flaring up from the fibro, my legs, feet, and ankles have been swollen everyday. I have had a sore throat for at least two months. There are plenty days were it hurts so much to move my leg across the bed let alone walking. Do you know however how hard it is to convey that feeling to people that have no idea?

I get the feeling that people don't fully believe me when I say that I am in the amount of pain that I am in. What really hurts is that it is people close to me sometimes don't understand. I am constantly holding back tears on an everyday basis. Yet to some all I do is complain. I am trying to live life for me and to do that sometimes you just have to let your pain out. I am used to holding everything in especially my pain. I am trying to find my balance. If you all have any ideas please share them.

Read, Share, Learn

Ablackwomanlivinginpain

Choked

Tears are like my feelings afraid to come out.

Screaming, shouting, bouncing off the walls of my soul.

The one person I thought I could share everything with I end up hiding myself from...

When I dare venture to step on that rickety old bridge,

I am quickly cast over the side by the barrage of foul words that come from your mouth.

I never thought I would heard you speak to me in such a way.

However there you are voice loud, bass in your words, and a frown on your face.

Fear washes over me and my words gets stuck in my throat.

I choke on the truth trying not to upset you,

Because even though you're not thinking about my feelings.

I am consistently thinking of yours. 

-Cherlnell "Cookie" Denham

Marriage and Adulthood

When did you figure out you were grown? There are a lot of people who throw around the phrase “I’m a grown ass woman” or “ I’m a grown ass Man” but that doesn’t mean a person is grown in fact most of the time if you keep saying it over and over then chances are you aren’t. That however is not what I mean. My question is when is the moment or series of moments where it’s like, “Wow I am really grown, I am an adult.” I believe that I am going through one of these moments right now.

You would think that after having to go to school from early morning to early evening while with child your senior year in order to graduate on time. Or having that child and taking care of him while finishing high school and going through a few years of college and work would make an adult out you. Or moving out on your own that should do it right. Well I have done those things. Worked a full time job and all of that. However I never felt as adult as I do right now as I go through the process of planning a wedding.

There is a lot to think about when you say yes to an engagement. Mostly the He has to think about giving up his so called “freedom”, running a household with me, stepping into a ready-made family, helping to provide for that family and taking care of me for I don’t know how long (because of the disabilities.) Now that is a lot to be concerned with however I  have to think about all of that plus planning the wedding, I have to introduce this man to my son as his father figure instead of mommy friend and pray that it’s go over well. I also have to deal with his preconceived notions of what a woman is and how I’m suppose to act, I have to back him up, and show him how to treat and relate to me.  Needless to say we have work to do.

Then when I started to realize that once I do this there is no going back to non-adulthood I started to tread a little more slowly like I was walking on thin ice. I started to move a little more slowly. Then in true God fashion He speeds everything up (because everything runs on his time not ours.) So I went from planning something in one year to planning something in one month. Don’t worry we are getting pre-martial classes before and I try to talk to lot, so that we communicate better…

Sorry about that back to adulthood… You can’t be married and go running to mommy about everything or at least you aren’t suppose to. People still do but we aren’t talking about them. We are talking about the Hollywood movie fiction books adulthood.  Is that really adulthood? The first piece of advice that people will give you is don’t talk about what is going on in your marriage with family and friends. That you are suppose to leave it between you, your husband, and God. I understand that in theory because if you talk when you are upset that will make your family upset with your husband even after you and him have gotten over whatever the problem was. Then if you talk about how good he is to people you think are friends they might try to take him. I understand that and all but what are you suppose to do when you and your mate as young married couple needs advise from older married couples. As a young person I recognize that my elders are the tree of wisdom and we need nutrients from that tree to learn and grow. So my question is what is a new wife(or soon to be wife) to do? Please leave comments.

A Black Woman Living In Pain

Cry

I have noticed that I have stopped watching the news and I'm a little out of the loop. It really is a shame but i can't watch or read the things that I used to because it scares me I know that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear and I am working on it. However when I hear about something or see something going wrong in the world or shoot it could be on the moon I tend to take it all on put it on my back. I want to help everyone in the universe that needs help. I cry all of the time when I see people or animals being mistreated or in a bad place. There is so much stuff going on in my life with my life that I am crying on my own I do not need extra. Does that make me a bad person because I believe I am just tried and need a break. I have been taking on people’s pain since I was a little kid. Always worrying about what is going on with this and that.

Please comment and let me know how you feel

A black woman living in pain

letters to the brothers

 Dear Brothers ,

Please let me start by saying this is not a put down. Women are just a little tried of being mistreated, mishandled, and misappreciated . When we are trying to have a conversation with you that has to do with our relationship you need to pay attention. Every time we try to tell you what’s going on with us you call it nagging. But we give the silent treatment and we are being a Bitch. We have to understand that you all have to watch your football /basketball/ baseball / hockey whenever you all have to watch to fulfill the fantasy that you all had growing up. However you feel like you all don’t have to listen to any of our feelings or talk to us about anything. Let me be the first to tell you that is B.S.

NOTICE: I’m About To Get Real. If you want a woman, not a girl or regular female, but a woman to not only open up her legs but be juicy for you need to reach her mind and her heart. Why do we as woman have to be the one to give up shit. You mean to tell me that you as a man get to watch all these sports which take up most of your time then with the little time you do give me I can’t talk about my feelings. Who in the hell do you think you are?

If you guys see a big butt and some supple breasts you all are usually ready to go however with women we need just a little bit more. Well actually a lot more we need to feel safe, loved, and looked after. Men you can’t do that without listening at least a little. This is the last thing I going to say.

The more you open up and listen to a woman the more she will open up to you in all ways.

A black woman living in pain

Hardheaded

                Why is it so hard to explain some things to hardheaded people? I have been though this I think I might know what I am talking about, at least a little bit. For instance people act like they don’t believe how much pain I am in on a daily bases.  Do you know how much better the world will be if we just listened to each other? There will be less misunderstandings, less fights, hell even less debt. But no there are just too much stubbornness in the world for that to happen. I know that I am stubborn sometimes but I always remember that I can learn from another person. Shoot I know the smartest man knows he knows nothing at all. It just pisses me off to the highest level of pisstivtity (yes I made up the word) when people don’t listen at all. Don’t they know you can’t grow that way.

Just a little rant!

a black woman living in pain