Welcome Home I Have Good News

Whoa ... it has been a really long time since I written. I know, I know don’t shoot me I have a lot of good things to catch you up on.

 

The best news that I cannot wait to tell you all is that I am a published author! Yay!!!  My first book is a story told in poetic form with a short story in the middle. If you all could please check it out it is available on amazon.com Confessions of the Other Woman by Cookie Battles. It is only $10 and I think it might be $9 now online. The book is my pride and joy. I am very proud of it and if you all read it I believe you all would be as all.

 

Another good piece of news is that after a year of fussing I am finally divorced. I know it was “so quick” that is only how it felt to people that wasn’t in the marriage. It is better for everyone involved this way. I still love him I always will but do I love him the same way? No. It was a bad break-up I wish we could have remained friends but the way that he treated me made that impossible. So I am back on the market, single and waiting. I have joined a couple of dating sites and I have already gotten my feelings hurt a few times. More blogs to come about that topic.

 

The last piece of good news to share is that I moved. New life, new place, new mind set. I moved into a new apartment away from where I used to live. It is much better than where I used to stay. It is made to help me with my disabilities.  I want to take time to thank God for blessing me with everything he has blessed me with. Without him I am nothing. I am so excited that the blog has started back up! Thank you all for reading.

Invisible Pain

There was a status that came across my page a few days ago. It spoke about how people can't always tell when people are in pain. How people can be in so much pain but have the biggest smile on their face. Or even when they tell you that they are hurting they don't let on how much. Well I am one of those people. I used to just say I'm fine but I am trying to be more open with my feelings. It seems however not to be taking that way. In fact when I tell people anywhere near how I am feeling it feels like I am making them feel bad and I don't like that feeling. So I grin and bare it or at least try to.

I make the mistake of thinking that a lot of people in the world think like me and that's not true. I like to think that especially since other people are in pain that they would understand but they don't always. In fact some people can be down right mean. I am the nicest person but I am starting to become aggravated because being in pain and taking shit from people is nothing nice. There are only so many times that you can think about other people and what they must be going through to make your life a living hell while there is pain racing through your body.

It doesn't help that I am very young, which is another way looks can be deceiving. There is a saying that we (African Americans) say all to much to people younger then us; “You ain't hurting you too young to feel that way.” Even though it has been ingrained inside me since birth I try so hard not to say that to my son or anyone younger than me. I know how it feels to look like you are 20 and feel like you are 85.

Lately I have really been messed. I have been flaring up from the fibro, my legs, feet, and ankles have been swollen everyday. I have had a sore throat for at least two months. There are plenty days were it hurts so much to move my leg across the bed let alone walking. Do you know however how hard it is to convey that feeling to people that have no idea?

I get the feeling that people don't fully believe me when I say that I am in the amount of pain that I am in. What really hurts is that it is people close to me sometimes don't understand. I am constantly holding back tears on an everyday basis. Yet to some all I do is complain. I am trying to live life for me and to do that sometimes you just have to let your pain out. I am used to holding everything in especially my pain. I am trying to find my balance. If you all have any ideas please share them.

Read, Share, Learn

Ablackwomanlivinginpain

Blessings

The Lord is blessing me, right now, lord right now!

Am I still hurting? Lord yes! Are some things in my life still worrisome? Of course. Sometimes however you have to look at the things going right in your life, because if you are constantly focused on what’s wrong then you will surely go crazy.

So I would like to take the time out to give thanks to my family; My parents, sisters and brothers, my son, friends, and (not new but different) addition to my life; my man. He is the nicest, sweetest, caring  man that I know. He takes care of me and in turn makes me feel better. I love him so much that sometimes I feel like I am going to burst. One day last week I was going through something really emotional. I couldn’t even talk all I could do was write. He sat there behind me and rubbed my back the whole time. Never said a word just rubbed my back and kissed my shoulder. It was just what I needed and it made me love him even more. I met his family yesterday and they like me which is great because I like them as well.

Ok I am done gushing about him for now. The other thing that I am thankful for is the internet. I know weird right? What I am really trying to say is that the internet has made it so easy for people with common interest and aliments to get together and support each other.  So times you can feel like an island. If you feel that no one understands you. I am glad to have found groups and blogs where I can share and learn from people going through some of the same things that I am going through. If any of you all have Lupus there is a great group on facebook called Lola vs. Lupus. You all should check it out. Well I just wanted to drop a quick note. Hope to read from you guys soon.

Peace

A Black Woman Living in Pain

Heartbreak Depletion

I am suffering from the worst kind of heartbreak there is the kind that are made with a pure heart. Heartbreak that is served with no malice only a heavy heart that hates the fact that it had to break your heart in the first place. Heartbreak is so much easier when you dislike the person doing the breaking or the person dislikes you. You can just say they did that to me because they don’t like me or this was their plan all along.

I am not a person that falsely loves even though some people may think that I fall quick. However long it takes me when I fall I fall hard. I am so open to love and have always been. I don’t understand why I can’t get find that compatible, open hearted, loyal love that I long for. Maybe I’m not ready but if that is the case why allow me to love so hard and so much. It’s like getting stabbed again and again. I really am tired of the ins and outs, the ups and downs.

I give my all every time however I always get pieces and percentages. Fractions of the hole they leave in me. They always feel that someone else is more important to spend their time with, someone else to shower with their love. They pull from me and I don’t even think that they know that they deplete me never quite filling me back up even when they try.

So I walk around a shell of a woman trying to keep this heart intact even though it’s bleeding out with no hopes of a transfusion. Hoping that I can keep it together until the right person comes along who will cherish my love and replenish my heart with love of their own. 

Family and Friends

I can’t believe that people are so inconsiderate.

As a young person living with Fibro most people don’t believe or want to believe that I even have the disorder not to mention the other things going on with me health wise. It doesn’t surprise me when people raise their eyebrows or look at me funny when they find out my age. I really almost laughed out loud when the phlebotomist that came to my home looked around me to ask where the person was that she was sticking.

I am used to the strange looks from doctors, nurses, and the like but when it is people that know you that are giving you strange looks. Your family and friends that have known you for years are looking at you or talking to you as if you just got lazy one day and refuse to do anything can really, really, really hurt. I think it’s personally worst for me because I can’t drive. When I say can’t I do mean can’t, not that I can but don’t want to even though I don’t but I really can’t. I was born with a bad right eye over the years it has gotten worst. (I am now legally blind in that eye.) When I was about 15 I was told that I would never get a license because of my eyes.

I have been working since I was 14 years old before I started high school. I thought I would always be able to support myself. I have always loved learning and usually was good at school. So imagine how I felt when I was faced with the fact that I’m not able to work a job or go to school. I was pissed, hurt, sad, and confused. How is it that the body of a very young woman (I was in my early 20’s) was behaving as though it was well past its golden years.

As of late my body has been getting worst and worst. My legs have broken down and the herniated disk in my back cause me so much pain that most days I cannot walk very far or stand for very long. It would seem that because of that reason alone I would not be able to do a lot of in-house or out-house chores.  So you would think that my family and friends would understand that I feel horrible about not being able to do what I want when I want. However most of the time I feel as though my family and friends really think that I am using them to do things that I can do myself.

There is a new grocery store across the street from my house. It is a blocks walk and across a street from my front door. However it is still too far for me to make it there with my body in the condition it’s in. A little while ago I tried to go to the store I made it to the dumpster outside my building and then had to turn around. I felt so defeated especially after I had to call a family member and ask if they could come from where they were to go across the street for me. I’m sad to say that this wasn’t anywhere near the 1^st time that I needed someone to do that.  I mean how crazy does that sound? Me who is suppose to be the oldest, the leader, the young vibrant woman who can conquer the world. How am I going to be all of those things when I am stuck in my house because my body won’t allow me to cross the street? The family member ragged on me. They made me feel so bad that I cried for like a whole day. I mean really, every time I thought about it I bawled. I just couldn’t understand why they couldn’t understand  why it was so hard for me.

Just remember family and friends out there even though we might look normal and put on a good front however we have moments some more than others where our bodies have turned so badly on us that we can barely move. Please be a help and not a hindrance. Love you much!

Hairy Situation

It’s me again lord praying to you asking you to please give me the strength to deal with everything going on in my life. I want to be able to get better and I trust your will to be done. Aman.

I tried to take a shower the other day, seems like a simple task right? Well not for me. There are a couple of different types of showers that I take. There is the quick do nothing but wash my body shower, a wash body and hair shower, a shave and wash my body shower, and a total shower that consists of all the above. Well one day last week I was attempting to take an all of the above shower and it didn’t quite work out that way. ..

I was hoping and wishing that I would go out on a date this weekend so I called myself getting gussied up. Going to make sure that everything was all clean and smooth. So I washed my hair and put the conditioner in and went to shaving; underarms, arms, then on to legs. Well needless to say I made it all the way through most of my routine down to one leg and this pain hit me in my back almost knocked me out. I tried to keep going but it wouldn’t leave and soon I could barley move. There wasn’t anything I could say but, “Ok body I’m sorry I am getting out.” So now I’m walking around with 3 out of 4 appendage shaved. I thought it was funny that was until the pain never left. Now here I am still hairy on one leg and my pain has gotten worst. I have had a migraine for 3 days now and it’s not your normal run of the mill hurts in the front of my head migraine. No, It’s the right side of my whole head can’t chew, can’t think, can’t even use the phone on the side of my head migraine. I have tried everything to get rid of it all the way up to Percocet and won’t anything take it away.

Well that’s all for today sweets. I will be back to you all soon with more ups and downs of a black woman living in pain.