I Cry

I cry

I can’t believe this place I’m in.

Pressure is coming from all sides

But I have no where to move

I want to cry but I’m afraid to be vulnerable

I feel like I’m coming unglued ripping at the seems

Everyone knows the right thing to do but me

Because apparently everything I do is wrong

Don’t know what to do, which way to turn.

A deer stuck in headlights

I try to be the best person I can be but I fail

The best mother, child, friend, lover, sister

I can see it failing apart in front of my eyes like a sand castle built to close to the edge slowly eroding away.

I cry because it’s painful,

I cry because I’m not free,

I cry because I’m invisible and no one sees me.

No one knows, why can’t they see the demons tormenting me

I know why the cage bird sings and why the free one stays silent.

Constrains don’t have to be made out of metal and steel.

The saddest person could have just pasted you on the street.

The happiest on cell block 9.

So just because of the smile is on my face doesn’t mean it’s in my soul.

And the person wearing the most bling it could feel like coal.

It’s tired trying to be happy when you’re not.

To seem as if you feel great when you are at your worst.

I cry because it’s painful

I cry because I’m not free

I cry because I’m invisible and no one sees me.

Cherlnell ” Cookie” Battles

Son in Crisis

Sometimes when we feel pain it’s not about ourselves even though it hurts like hell. My son suffers from metal, behavior and physical disorders. I feel like a complete failure when it comes to him. I can’t even keep the things for myself straight so sometimes I can forget to give him meds. That’s the worst thing in the world. Then he gets meds for one month and his next appointment is three months from now. I don’t even know how to go about getting more. I call the clinic I don’t know how many times a week trying to get answers to no avail. They just keep telling me that I have to see this doctor in three months. His counselor that I loved who said that he would be available and to try to reach him at anytime. The one who further proved his point by giving me his cell phone number. He seemed to connect with my son and was excited to get to work with him. After two visits and a call in sick I have not been able to get in touch with him which has been at least three weeks. Then I fall more ill than usual and it’s the start of school which he hates.

So of course again two days before his  1^st mental doctor appointment and his 2^nd treatment plan. His mood disorder goes into overdrive and he ends up in the mental hospital one again. I wake up to him calling me and catch myself calling him in the middle of the day . Then tears drown my face and my heart aches because I feel like I placed him there. I know that I can’t chase him when he runs away, I can’t hold him down when he wants to fight not me but himself. So what else can I do? 

Good girl

Good Girl

How long am I suppose to be the good girl?

The one that always gets shitted on.

But keeps the smile on her face just the same.

To be hunted by her tormentor and he’s not even dead.

Speak they ask and she does,

Care they ask and she does,

Pray the ask and she does,

Even though it kills her inside a little every time.

First she was raped and told that she wasn’t.

How could they know they weren’t there?

Then pushed aside for the sake of the children.

Wasn’t she to a child?

She was before that Bastard took that from her too!

Does anyone care about her feelings?

Does anyone give a damn?

Hiding in the corner trying to forget the embarrassment.

But she can never live it down no matter how hard she tries.

Every time she lays with a man it plays in her head

Pain she wants to forget but she doesn’t know how.

It’s compound by the fact that she has to be the good girl yet again.

Comforting, and sympathetic while people speak proudly of what a good man he is…

My chest is bubbling over in anger!

I have forgiven him but not the situation!

Not the Fucked up sexual situations that I ended up in.

Not the hatred that I feel for myself!

Not for the relationships it has ruined!

Not the memories that plague me!

I am tired of holding it all in!

Acting like there is nothing wrong,

When all the while there is.

When do I get to let my pain out,

To let it go without being the bad guy?

It shaped my life you know.

I can never put myself first

Someone always comes before.

And I’m tired!

Tried of being good!

And tired of the abuse!

So I ask again How long am I suppose to be the good girl?

-Cookie

My Paradox

My Paradox

How can you be the victim of a crime and still the one at fault?

How can a secret still be a secret if you tell everyone you know?

How can someone too weak to hold a child carry the burdens of a man?

It’s too confusing to comprehend?

Step into my paradox…

How can I be over something that I think about everyday?

Cry dry tears that stream down my face.

Can’t show to much real emotion,

Might get figured out.

Step into my paradox…

Helping everyone else

To prevent helping my self

It’s a trick no one sees but me

Like children playing hind and go seek

Step into my paradox…

The only place where you can find me

Is in these words I speak my peace

Verbs and nouns brain and soul meet

Around the bend here we go again

Step into my paradox…

I know it’s past time for me to let it go

And I’m trying to everyday

But I’ve got to do it in my way

Travel with me or stay behind

Step into my paradox…

Am I a good girl or am I bad

Feel my feelings happy or sad

A smile on my face doesn’t mean I’m glad

A bout of laugher might mean I’m mad.

Step into my paradox…

A winding road under a rickety bridge

Slippery slope and I have slid.

A bumpy path with a fork in the road

Navigation on Spanish mode

Step into my paradox…

Am I up or am I down

A brand new queen with a broken crown

I want this feeling to go away

I want to leave but I have to stay

Step into my paradox…

I’m getting it out the best way I know how

I’m putting pen to pad writing this thing down

Because I’m not trying to hold on

I want to be free

Breaking out of my paradox…

-Cookie

Blessings

The Lord is blessing me, right now, lord right now!

Am I still hurting? Lord yes! Are some things in my life still worrisome? Of course. Sometimes however you have to look at the things going right in your life, because if you are constantly focused on what’s wrong then you will surely go crazy.

So I would like to take the time out to give thanks to my family; My parents, sisters and brothers, my son, friends, and (not new but different) addition to my life; my man. He is the nicest, sweetest, caring  man that I know. He takes care of me and in turn makes me feel better. I love him so much that sometimes I feel like I am going to burst. One day last week I was going through something really emotional. I couldn’t even talk all I could do was write. He sat there behind me and rubbed my back the whole time. Never said a word just rubbed my back and kissed my shoulder. It was just what I needed and it made me love him even more. I met his family yesterday and they like me which is great because I like them as well.

Ok I am done gushing about him for now. The other thing that I am thankful for is the internet. I know weird right? What I am really trying to say is that the internet has made it so easy for people with common interest and aliments to get together and support each other.  So times you can feel like an island. If you feel that no one understands you. I am glad to have found groups and blogs where I can share and learn from people going through some of the same things that I am going through. If any of you all have Lupus there is a great group on facebook called Lola vs. Lupus. You all should check it out. Well I just wanted to drop a quick note. Hope to read from you guys soon.

Peace

A Black Woman Living in Pain

Could it Be?

Its hard to find love when you are a normal 28-year old healthy person. So just imagine how hard it is for an disabled, ill, 28 year old who walks around with a cane. I always want to know how in the world was I going to find someone who would like me. I knew that it would be really hard because it’s not like I can just go out and party. The club doesn’t have enough chairs for me to be guaranteed one all of the time and if I dance I am most likely going to need a massage. I mean right then, as soon as I leave the dance floor, if I can make it to the dance floor, if I can make it to the club. What happens when I am attempting to dance and my knee gives out or my back cramps up. Right one of two things either the club erupts into laugher or everyone rushes over to help the old woman up off the floor. I just don’t want to be put in that type of situation. Not that I am the clubbing type. However even if I was then you can see where that would go wrong.

So imagine my surprise when me and someone that has been in my life for quite awhile decided that we were going to get together. We reveled to each other feelings that we have for the longest time kept hidden. He knows that I am a lot of work and he wants to help me. There are a lot of people that might think we are moving fast but we know we are just doing what we have to do. I have learned at this young age in life that there if some point where you stop saying what you are and aren’t going to do, you just do it or you don’t.  He is willing to help me where I need it and push me when I need it as well. I am able to be myself around him as well as be people I never thought I could be. He is nothing I ever looked for and everything I ever wanted. With God, him and I working together we will last.

I knew from theory, logic, and having a bit of it in real life, that having someone to help me would lovely. But actually putting it into practice? Breathtaking! I remember in one of my 1^st posts I wrote about how hard it is for me to take a bath or stand long in the shower. One wonderful lady said that I should get my husband or significant other to help me because that’s what they had been doing. When I read that I ended up in tears because it had been so long since I had actually been that type of love and I didn’t know when I would end up back there. Now I have been showed how it feels to have someone to help me up when I can’t move, wash my back when I can’t reach, and hold me when I’m in so much pain that all I can do is cry. I know it’s the beginning but I believe this time it will last. Pray for us.

Happy in Love

A Black Woman Living in Pain

Heartbreak Depletion

I am suffering from the worst kind of heartbreak there is the kind that are made with a pure heart. Heartbreak that is served with no malice only a heavy heart that hates the fact that it had to break your heart in the first place. Heartbreak is so much easier when you dislike the person doing the breaking or the person dislikes you. You can just say they did that to me because they don’t like me or this was their plan all along.

I am not a person that falsely loves even though some people may think that I fall quick. However long it takes me when I fall I fall hard. I am so open to love and have always been. I don’t understand why I can’t get find that compatible, open hearted, loyal love that I long for. Maybe I’m not ready but if that is the case why allow me to love so hard and so much. It’s like getting stabbed again and again. I really am tired of the ins and outs, the ups and downs.

I give my all every time however I always get pieces and percentages. Fractions of the hole they leave in me. They always feel that someone else is more important to spend their time with, someone else to shower with their love. They pull from me and I don’t even think that they know that they deplete me never quite filling me back up even when they try.

So I walk around a shell of a woman trying to keep this heart intact even though it’s bleeding out with no hopes of a transfusion. Hoping that I can keep it together until the right person comes along who will cherish my love and replenish my heart with love of their own.