Marriage and Adulthood

When did you figure out you were grown? There are a lot of people who throw around the phrase “I’m a grown ass woman” or “ I’m a grown ass Man” but that doesn’t mean a person is grown in fact most of the time if you keep saying it over and over then chances are you aren’t. That however is not what I mean. My question is when is the moment or series of moments where it’s like, “Wow I am really grown, I am an adult.” I believe that I am going through one of these moments right now.

You would think that after having to go to school from early morning to early evening while with child your senior year in order to graduate on time. Or having that child and taking care of him while finishing high school and going through a few years of college and work would make an adult out you. Or moving out on your own that should do it right. Well I have done those things. Worked a full time job and all of that. However I never felt as adult as I do right now as I go through the process of planning a wedding.

There is a lot to think about when you say yes to an engagement. Mostly the He has to think about giving up his so called “freedom”, running a household with me, stepping into a ready-made family, helping to provide for that family and taking care of me for I don’t know how long (because of the disabilities.) Now that is a lot to be concerned with however I  have to think about all of that plus planning the wedding, I have to introduce this man to my son as his father figure instead of mommy friend and pray that it’s go over well. I also have to deal with his preconceived notions of what a woman is and how I’m suppose to act, I have to back him up, and show him how to treat and relate to me.  Needless to say we have work to do.

Then when I started to realize that once I do this there is no going back to non-adulthood I started to tread a little more slowly like I was walking on thin ice. I started to move a little more slowly. Then in true God fashion He speeds everything up (because everything runs on his time not ours.) So I went from planning something in one year to planning something in one month. Don’t worry we are getting pre-martial classes before and I try to talk to lot, so that we communicate better…

Sorry about that back to adulthood… You can’t be married and go running to mommy about everything or at least you aren’t suppose to. People still do but we aren’t talking about them. We are talking about the Hollywood movie fiction books adulthood.  Is that really adulthood? The first piece of advice that people will give you is don’t talk about what is going on in your marriage with family and friends. That you are suppose to leave it between you, your husband, and God. I understand that in theory because if you talk when you are upset that will make your family upset with your husband even after you and him have gotten over whatever the problem was. Then if you talk about how good he is to people you think are friends they might try to take him. I understand that and all but what are you suppose to do when you and your mate as young married couple needs advise from older married couples. As a young person I recognize that my elders are the tree of wisdom and we need nutrients from that tree to learn and grow. So my question is what is a new wife(or soon to be wife) to do? Please leave comments.

A Black Woman Living In Pain

Cry

I have noticed that I have stopped watching the news and I'm a little out of the loop. It really is a shame but i can't watch or read the things that I used to because it scares me I know that God doesn't give us a spirit of fear and I am working on it. However when I hear about something or see something going wrong in the world or shoot it could be on the moon I tend to take it all on put it on my back. I want to help everyone in the universe that needs help. I cry all of the time when I see people or animals being mistreated or in a bad place. There is so much stuff going on in my life with my life that I am crying on my own I do not need extra. Does that make me a bad person because I believe I am just tried and need a break. I have been taking on people’s pain since I was a little kid. Always worrying about what is going on with this and that.

Please comment and let me know how you feel

A black woman living in pain

letters to the brothers

 Dear Brothers ,

Please let me start by saying this is not a put down. Women are just a little tried of being mistreated, mishandled, and misappreciated . When we are trying to have a conversation with you that has to do with our relationship you need to pay attention. Every time we try to tell you what’s going on with us you call it nagging. But we give the silent treatment and we are being a Bitch. We have to understand that you all have to watch your football /basketball/ baseball / hockey whenever you all have to watch to fulfill the fantasy that you all had growing up. However you feel like you all don’t have to listen to any of our feelings or talk to us about anything. Let me be the first to tell you that is B.S.

NOTICE: I’m About To Get Real. If you want a woman, not a girl or regular female, but a woman to not only open up her legs but be juicy for you need to reach her mind and her heart. Why do we as woman have to be the one to give up shit. You mean to tell me that you as a man get to watch all these sports which take up most of your time then with the little time you do give me I can’t talk about my feelings. Who in the hell do you think you are?

If you guys see a big butt and some supple breasts you all are usually ready to go however with women we need just a little bit more. Well actually a lot more we need to feel safe, loved, and looked after. Men you can’t do that without listening at least a little. This is the last thing I going to say.

The more you open up and listen to a woman the more she will open up to you in all ways.

A black woman living in pain

Hardheaded

                Why is it so hard to explain some things to hardheaded people? I have been though this I think I might know what I am talking about, at least a little bit. For instance people act like they don’t believe how much pain I am in on a daily bases.  Do you know how much better the world will be if we just listened to each other? There will be less misunderstandings, less fights, hell even less debt. But no there are just too much stubbornness in the world for that to happen. I know that I am stubborn sometimes but I always remember that I can learn from another person. Shoot I know the smartest man knows he knows nothing at all. It just pisses me off to the highest level of pisstivtity (yes I made up the word) when people don’t listen at all. Don’t they know you can’t grow that way.

Just a little rant!

a black woman living in pain

While the computer was down

9/1/11

Isn’t funny how I want to write every day but because my mind is so jumbled with stuff you can’t even get a whole sentence out. Then as soon as your computer is out repairs for weeks and  you are reduced to pen and pad that’s when you get the writing bug.

                My life has been good lately but with the good must come the bad. I breathing and alive but my health could be better (who’s couldn’t though.) I have a fiancée but we are still trying to figure each other out. Something we have waited all our lives for. It’s just that we are making sure that this is real because I am not trying to get married to get divorced. Don’t get me wrong I love him with my everything but he does have his ways (as I am sure I have mine.) We are planning a wedding and we don’t even have a “beer budget.”  Then my darling son is having a barrel of problems and no none of these problems have anything to do with my relationship.  Awwww… did I take away the easy answer? (Sorry didn’t mean to be mean Just a little on edge.) He is just not in a good place right now. Did I mention that I have had this big writer’s block for like ever. Even my hair is all over my head cause I don’t have the strength to do it myself. I feel so helpless. I am at my heaviest weight I have been at since ever! It’s hard to move because my body is breaking down.

                I feel like I am an old ass woman and I am only 28 years old. I can’t walk a block without needed to stop and sit down. It’s not because of my size. Although a lot of the time I do have to catch my breathe but I believe that is because of the asthma. I can’t walk because It hurts like hell my back starts twisting into this huge ball. The only thing that will stop it is my sitting down and relaxing. I have to cook in the kitchen with a chair. It’s just really mixed up right now.

                Ok this is what I wrote while my computer was out please leave your comments.

Yours with love,

A Black Woman Living In Pain

I Cry

I cry

I can’t believe this place I’m in.

Pressure is coming from all sides

But I have no where to move

I want to cry but I’m afraid to be vulnerable

I feel like I’m coming unglued ripping at the seems

Everyone knows the right thing to do but me

Because apparently everything I do is wrong

Don’t know what to do, which way to turn.

A deer stuck in headlights

I try to be the best person I can be but I fail

The best mother, child, friend, lover, sister

I can see it failing apart in front of my eyes like a sand castle built to close to the edge slowly eroding away.

I cry because it’s painful,

I cry because I’m not free,

I cry because I’m invisible and no one sees me.

No one knows, why can’t they see the demons tormenting me

I know why the cage bird sings and why the free one stays silent.

Constrains don’t have to be made out of metal and steel.

The saddest person could have just pasted you on the street.

The happiest on cell block 9.

So just because of the smile is on my face doesn’t mean it’s in my soul.

And the person wearing the most bling it could feel like coal.

It’s tired trying to be happy when you’re not.

To seem as if you feel great when you are at your worst.

I cry because it’s painful

I cry because I’m not free

I cry because I’m invisible and no one sees me.

Cherlnell ” Cookie” Battles

Son in Crisis

Sometimes when we feel pain it’s not about ourselves even though it hurts like hell. My son suffers from metal, behavior and physical disorders. I feel like a complete failure when it comes to him. I can’t even keep the things for myself straight so sometimes I can forget to give him meds. That’s the worst thing in the world. Then he gets meds for one month and his next appointment is three months from now. I don’t even know how to go about getting more. I call the clinic I don’t know how many times a week trying to get answers to no avail. They just keep telling me that I have to see this doctor in three months. His counselor that I loved who said that he would be available and to try to reach him at anytime. The one who further proved his point by giving me his cell phone number. He seemed to connect with my son and was excited to get to work with him. After two visits and a call in sick I have not been able to get in touch with him which has been at least three weeks. Then I fall more ill than usual and it’s the start of school which he hates.

So of course again two days before his  1^st mental doctor appointment and his 2^nd treatment plan. His mood disorder goes into overdrive and he ends up in the mental hospital one again. I wake up to him calling me and catch myself calling him in the middle of the day . Then tears drown my face and my heart aches because I feel like I placed him there. I know that I can’t chase him when he runs away, I can’t hold him down when he wants to fight not me but himself. So what else can I do?