Heartbreak Depletion

I am suffering from the worst kind of heartbreak there is the kind that are made with a pure heart. Heartbreak that is served with no malice only a heavy heart that hates the fact that it had to break your heart in the first place. Heartbreak is so much easier when you dislike the person doing the breaking or the person dislikes you. You can just say they did that to me because they don’t like me or this was their plan all along.

I am not a person that falsely loves even though some people may think that I fall quick. However long it takes me when I fall I fall hard. I am so open to love and have always been. I don’t understand why I can’t get find that compatible, open hearted, loyal love that I long for. Maybe I’m not ready but if that is the case why allow me to love so hard and so much. It’s like getting stabbed again and again. I really am tired of the ins and outs, the ups and downs.

I give my all every time however I always get pieces and percentages. Fractions of the hole they leave in me. They always feel that someone else is more important to spend their time with, someone else to shower with their love. They pull from me and I don’t even think that they know that they deplete me never quite filling me back up even when they try.

So I walk around a shell of a woman trying to keep this heart intact even though it’s bleeding out with no hopes of a transfusion. Hoping that I can keep it together until the right person comes along who will cherish my love and replenish my heart with love of their own. 

Release

I have been told that I breathe too much of my life into these pages. I tell too much. However I bleed through these sentences and the messages are my heartbeat. I would die if I didn’t share myself with you from lack of release. My son is suffering in a hospital because he has a problem releasing what he is feeling. I know he got it honest because I talk about some things that are bothering me but I don’t really release until the words hit this page. The words that I write here heal me as much as I hope they help you. So when you read something here and say to yourself I can’t believe she shared that don’t only think about how that may help someone in that situation but that it’s also therapy for me.

I am suffering from a flare-up right now. If you have not ever experienced a fibro flare up let me open up a window to my pain. My whole body hurts from the top off my head to the bottom of my feet. My skin hurts when air hits it. My normal pain is multiplied by the least three during a flare-up. Meaning if it usually takes me 10 minutes to get up and out of the bed it now takes me a half a n hour.  Add the flare-up to the thing my body is going through because of the changes in the weather. It’s the beginning of spring in Chicago, which means that it can go from jacket to winter coat in one afternoon. My back and knees get to hurting and I can’t even stand for longer than five minutes.  Even when I sit I can’t stay in one position.

I am working on becoming a better organized person. I won’t say that I’m disorganized but I wouldn’t say that I am organized either but I am in the middle working towards it. One of the things that I do to work towards it is I make schedules. I keep a very detail planner with all of my appointments. I also make a schedule dictating what I do on days I am home. One of the things that I have put on the most recent revision of the weekly schedule is mandatory one hour of writing. I am hoping that this will not only let me make more frequent posts to this blog but also allow me to work on my novel. (Once I get it off my old computer.)

I have a lot of work to do in my life, my home, and my heart. I am working on it I swear I am and I am going to continue to work on it at my own pace. Hopefully I know that with help I can make it happen. If you all continue to read and support me and my releases then we will make it through.

Family and Friends

I can’t believe that people are so inconsiderate.

As a young person living with Fibro most people don’t believe or want to believe that I even have the disorder not to mention the other things going on with me health wise. It doesn’t surprise me when people raise their eyebrows or look at me funny when they find out my age. I really almost laughed out loud when the phlebotomist that came to my home looked around me to ask where the person was that she was sticking.

I am used to the strange looks from doctors, nurses, and the like but when it is people that know you that are giving you strange looks. Your family and friends that have known you for years are looking at you or talking to you as if you just got lazy one day and refuse to do anything can really, really, really hurt. I think it’s personally worst for me because I can’t drive. When I say can’t I do mean can’t, not that I can but don’t want to even though I don’t but I really can’t. I was born with a bad right eye over the years it has gotten worst. (I am now legally blind in that eye.) When I was about 15 I was told that I would never get a license because of my eyes.

I have been working since I was 14 years old before I started high school. I thought I would always be able to support myself. I have always loved learning and usually was good at school. So imagine how I felt when I was faced with the fact that I’m not able to work a job or go to school. I was pissed, hurt, sad, and confused. How is it that the body of a very young woman (I was in my early 20’s) was behaving as though it was well past its golden years.

As of late my body has been getting worst and worst. My legs have broken down and the herniated disk in my back cause me so much pain that most days I cannot walk very far or stand for very long. It would seem that because of that reason alone I would not be able to do a lot of in-house or out-house chores.  So you would think that my family and friends would understand that I feel horrible about not being able to do what I want when I want. However most of the time I feel as though my family and friends really think that I am using them to do things that I can do myself.

There is a new grocery store across the street from my house. It is a blocks walk and across a street from my front door. However it is still too far for me to make it there with my body in the condition it’s in. A little while ago I tried to go to the store I made it to the dumpster outside my building and then had to turn around. I felt so defeated especially after I had to call a family member and ask if they could come from where they were to go across the street for me. I’m sad to say that this wasn’t anywhere near the 1^st time that I needed someone to do that.  I mean how crazy does that sound? Me who is suppose to be the oldest, the leader, the young vibrant woman who can conquer the world. How am I going to be all of those things when I am stuck in my house because my body won’t allow me to cross the street? The family member ragged on me. They made me feel so bad that I cried for like a whole day. I mean really, every time I thought about it I bawled. I just couldn’t understand why they couldn’t understand  why it was so hard for me.

Just remember family and friends out there even though we might look normal and put on a good front however we have moments some more than others where our bodies have turned so badly on us that we can barely move. Please be a help and not a hindrance. Love you much!

Heartbreak

Dear Nonchalant, unfeeling, male,

I open up to you trying not to be the average female. We are supposed to be building something great on the foundation of a friendship. How can you be a friend when you don’t give a damn about me? If you did then you wouldn’t hurt me.  You would treat me with respect because you respect me. I thought you liked me because that’s what you told me. Once again I have been duped, hoodwinked, bamboozled! I have no reason for why you would choose me to mess on. What have I ever done to you? Oh I know I was nice to you, open with you, gave myself to you over and over again. I gave you chance after chance because I wanted to make sure that I was being fair with you. While I’m looking out for you who in the hell is looking out for me? Not you! You are looking to partake of me, use me for what you want when you want it. Make me think that you are doing it for me when you couldn’t give a damn about me. Five months later without so much as a date. I’m tired of the games and that’s all you seem to play. I was willing to be there for you through thick and thin but it seems as though your only concern was getting in. I hope you had your fun. I deserve much better, someone who’s not afraid to love, care, and be with me. I am tired of your kind and I’m moving on.

Sincerely Yours,

Cherlnell “I could have been yours” Battles

Chaos

Chaos

My mind is overwhelmed drowning in a sea of confusion, frustration, and despair,

Grasping the sides of the cesspool trying to trying to stay above waste.

No one understands and it’s impossible to explain,

The ins and outs of this corrupt brain.

My soul is heavy. My spirit can’t fly.

All I can bare to do is sit in this dark room and cry.

The room is not dark enough cause I can still see myself.

When I see myself I know that I’m not strong enough and I have failed.

Disappointment sits in my belly and lives there,

Making me sick to my stomach.

I throw up fears and the stench of bile is everywhere.

My body hurts, my arms are tired, and my fingers slip.

I’m falling and go under,

No longer afraid of the result just seeking the rest.

The voices that haunt me grow faint and the quiet calms me.

Peace. Sleep. Gone.

-Cherlnell “Cookie” Battles

2011's New Year’s Resolutions

Ok It’s that time of year again to prepare New Year’s resolutions. I thought I would share them with you all because of course we are of course closer than close. Lol. Well here we go.

The Year 2011 Resolutions

1. I resolve to think and work more on myself than all the people around me.( I know that this makes it sound like I’m selfish but I assure you that I’m not. It’s just the opposite I spend so much time worrying about everyone else that I hardly ever put much attention on myself which is why I made the resolution number 1.)

2. I resolve to work and pay more attention to my health. (For those of you who don’t know I just got diagnosed with heart failure then I was told that I didn’t have it now I’m getting a third opinion. So I am thinking more about what I can do to make myself better.)

3. I resolve to be a better Christian. (To keep God the head of my Life.)

4. I resolve to be a better parent. (I want to help with homework more, spend more time with, have more fun with and set him straight more.)

5. I resolve to take better care of my house. I want to carve out a little time everyday to clean something. (My apartment is a mess and I really have to work on it but it’s hard for me to do. So I do want to work on it but I have to realize that if I can’t do it I can’t do it.)

6. I resolve to write at least three times a week for at least 30 minutes a day. (It doesn’t matter if it’s a poem, for the book or for the blog as long as it writing.)

7. I resolve (to piggy back on number 6) to finish my book this year. (I have been working on this book forever and I want to finish it this year.)

8. I resolve to prepare myself for the person I am going to marry. (I already talked about part of it with the upkeep of my house, but I also want to learn to cook different things, do different things, and open myself up to new experiences.

9. I resolve to take better care of my hair. (I have just been getting really lazy with it now that it’s so long I just have to find time to do it.)

10. I resolve to be a better family member and friend. (I want to be a better help to those around me.)

The family Curse

11/26/10

I know that this blog is about a black woman living in pain but I would like to remind you all that pain doesn’t just come in the physical form. With most families celebrating thanksgiving yesterday I know that most of us are thinking about our families and how much of ourselves we see in them. The pain that I felt yesterday was very emotional.

My aunt who is my aunt by marriage has Alzheimer’s and it’s pretty progressed not to mention that fact that she is in her late 80’s. Needless to say she has lost the ability really to move herself and she stays in the bed most of the time. My mother who works very hard at her day job then rushes home to take care of my aunt and she is sick herself. She is exhausted all of the time yet she has to do what she does because no one else is going to do it. Don’t get me wrong we help out when we can but my mom knows how to do what needs to be done.

That’s on one hand on the other hand we have my maternal grandmother who has moderate Alzheimer’s but refuses to accept the diagnosis and the prescription. Hers is not as bad as my aunt’s but it is bad enough where you have to have the same conversation with a couple of times because she has forgotten that she has just talked to you about it. Let me let you in on something about my granny; she is very umm let’s just say strong willed (to put it mildly). If any of you all have worked with, know of, or are a senior you all know that they are strong willed enough all by themselves. Well my Granny has been strong willed since birth and it gets stronger ever year and the more this thing progresses. Of course since my mother has her hands full with my aunt I have the pleasure of taking care of my granny. Going to the doctors with her and handling her meds and health insurance.

We just found out recently that she had Alzheimer’s but we have suspected for a while. I was speaking to a health professional about it because it runs heavy in my family and she shared some information she had received from a magazine article; which said that most of the time the people who take care of the people with the disease end up getting diagnosed with it themselves. So needless to say I am already scared because I know that my aunt has moments where she gets really riled up and she started off as the easiest to get along with person, so my granny is already hard to be around and I know it’s just going to get worst as time goes along especially if we can’t find a way to get these meds in her. Then to add to that I am thinking about what will happen to my mom once she gets older because she already is sick herself plus if this thing keeps running thru us (my family) like it’s doing then the chances are that her and I will get this disease are high.

You all know that I am in pain a lot but this kind of pain is breaking my heart. I almost can’t bear to watch this curse called Alzheimer’s rip thru my family that way it’s doing but I can’t let the pain stop me because it’s all hands on deck. I don’t really know how I am going to do this yet but it must work itself out right?

Shedding tears

A black woman living in pain