Venting

This is me venting...

You know people really crack me up. I do believe that I am a pretty decent person. I think if you would talk to people that know me they would tell you that I smile all of the time and I am usually in a good mood. I really try to treat people have I want to be treated. As far as my illnesses go I feel things that sometimes I can't even explain. So I try my best to not down play anyone's pain or troubles. So it really makes me angry when people try to tell me about my body. A lot of times people just give their opinion about things going on with your life and I can understand that because I do it sometimes myself. However when you talk as though you know what is going on in my body, house, or relationships when you have no idea it's a whole other story.

By having fibromyalgia as well as my other aliments I go through different things. I have a very bad sleep pattern. Which means that no matter when I take my night meds or when I start to try to go to sleep I am not going to fall until at least after 1am. So just like any normal person who didn't get any sleep would sleep in the next day so do I. If I didn't have anything to do the next morning I don't see what the problem is. I really think that people that tell other people their pain isn't anything compared to theirs are very rude. I am all about done with people that feel they need to compare their feats with my problems. Case in point, if I am in pain that hurts so bad I am unable to get out of the bed, I really don't even need to be told about all the things you would be able to do if you were in my shoes. I already beat myself up enough without getting beat by you as well. Don't act like you have walked a mile in my shoes when you don't wear my size.

This entry was a really short one you guys but thanks for reading. If any of you all understand what I am going through don't be afraid to comment.

Much love,

A black woman living in pain

Make It or Break It!

I watched her as she moved acrossed the stage. Her hips swaying to the beat as her soulful voice over took the room. She took me to another place not just with her voice but with her very essence. A place where she and I lived happily interwined forever.

I watched her with my eyes, heard her with my ears, and felt her thru my skin all without moving. I didn't want anyone aware of my addiction. Especially my friend sitting right beside me. She would surely be uncomfortable with my truth. Wouldn't she? Now was not the time to bring my feeling to the forefront with her.

I watch my desire leave the stage and know that I had to let her know my feelings before the end of the night. I couldn't step to her ask for her number. That wasn't my style. Couldn't drop some line that is something a lame would do. Plus I had no idea how she would react. I don't know I would cope if she blantaly turned me down. Then the lightblub went over my head.

I interupted my friend in the middle of my story feeling ashamed that I had no idea what she was talking about. I walked to the door to set things up. All the time keeping my eyes on the goddess of my affection at the bar drinking tea.

I sat down back at the table and pulled out my pen and pad. My friend got excited because she loved when I wrote. I became engrossed in the peice. Weaving together nouns and verbs, filling it with adverbs and adjectives. I am making my own music within these stanzas. Working at light speed but carefully because the moment has become make it or break it.

The M.C. hits the stage and gives me a wink I give him a nod. He calls me to the stage I stared her straight in the eye took a deep breath and started my soliloquy. Everyone in the room disappeared as soon as the words dripped from my lips:

"Milk chocolate poured into a curvy case
The grace of a lioness
Ever step oozes sweetness
Can I please get a taste

It's not just your body that entices me
Your mind is fuels my fire
Intelligence makes you shine brighter
I know most people don't look past the outer but trust me baby I see

The true queen that you are 
Your soul speaks beautifully
You communicate it wonderfully
Thru your songs you have raised the bar

No one else can hold a candle to you
I just hope you can understand my feelings
I want to join with your very being
I hope you feel the same way too
Meet me in the back if you do

Thank you"

I shook the M.C.'s hand and left the stage to snaps and applause. When I looked at the bar the beauty was no where to be found. I passed by my friend's table and much to my suprise she gave me a thumbs up. I smile saving that conversation for later. I had a place to go and a special lady to see.

When I got to the booth in the back it was empty. My heart sank and I almost cried. Then I felt a hand on my shoulder, my heart skiped a beat. I turned around and there she was my goddess, my queen. I smiled so wide and she returned the smile which made my heart grow. I grabed her in my arms in a bold move I didn't know I had. Then with my arms around her waist and her arms around my neck we kissed. It was fireworks and bubbles bursting everything I hoped it would be. When we came up for air she said to me, "Damn girl it took you long enough." To which we shared our first laugh of many.

-Cherlnell "Cookie" Battles

We fall down but we get up.

You know how they say that you don't miss something until it's gone? “Ain't no sunshine when she's gone, and this house just ain't no home any time she goes away.” Well I felt that way about my computer except I knew that I would miss “her.” I have also missed you all so much. There has been so much that has happen since my last entry. I was married, just married. Now I am just separated, waiting on my divorce. My best friend (My Granny) was alive and well. Since then she has been diagnosed with stage four cancer and has passed away.

To keep it real with you all. I have been having a hard time period, with my life. But I see a light at the end of the tunnel. There are blessing happening in my life and I am ready to take hold of them and spread them all over the world. I am ready to take control of my life to get the best of it. I have been beat down, stepped on, used, and abused by people and life in general but like the song says, “we fall down, but we get up.” Every stumbling block placed in our way helps us learn the path for the next time and eventually we will get to where we need to be.

If you would have asked me on November 12, 2011 if I would have thought I would be separated not even six months later I would have said," hogwash." However here I am wondering when my husband turned and how long had I been covering for him. I sometimes question whether or not I should even be blessed with a lifelong spouse who loves me for me and I can love for them. I was really feeling bad about myself.

I am not where I want to be but I am on the path God has set for me. As long as I keep him in the head of my life things will work out for me. I am ready to get on my grind with this writing thing so if you all like what you have read please leave a comment and let me know.

Much love,

a black woman living in pain